NARCISSISTIC ABUSE 101
Here’s some of the basics, because I’ve seen so much misinformation these past few weeks…
Narcissistic abuse is a type of abuse that people experience in all different types of relationships - family, friends, partners, bosses, the list could go on. We often see a term used in the field alongside narcissistic abuse, called antogonistic relational distress (ARS). So what does this actually mean?
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional and psychological harm where someone uses manipulation and control while demeaning the other person. This includes:
Manipulation
Criticism and devaluation
Control
Lack of empathy
Love bombing/idealization
Isolation
What is antagonistic relational stress?
Antagonistic relational stress (ARS) is the psychological and emotional strain that emerges from relationships characterized by conflict, hostility, or ongoing tension; a consistent pattern of negative interactions, misunderstandings, and disrespect
Key characteristics of ARS:
Ongoing conflict
Emotional exhaustion
Increased anxiety
Undermined trust
Signs you or someone you love are in these types of relationships:
1. Frequent moments of betrayal, no matter how small
2. Cognitive dissonance:
3. Gaslighting:
4. Love bombing:
5. Hoovering:
This is the point where one is ready to leave/exit the relationship - hoovering begins.
This verbiage was named after the Hoover vaccum cleaner. Yes, you guessed it - they know how to suck us right back in.
Understand that not everyone can leave. It’s so easy to say “this isn’t good for you” - the individuals affected by this already know that. We don’t need to rub salt in the wound.
Understanding how we can support those in these relationships could be the line that keeps our loved ones tethered to one shard of reality.
Listen, reassure, and validate.
There is going to be a lot of reassurance needed for those that are affected by narcissistic abuse or high conflict relationships due to them second-guessing their own intuition.
We need to remind them: they are not crazy. THIS was crazy, and in no way is this their fault.
Patience, patience, patience.
If they cannot leave immediately, help them foster a sense of safety in other relationships.
It is hard to watch someone you love go through this. Please take care of you too!
Patience is a virtue - it is required if you are going to maintain contact with your loved one. Walking away leads to further isolation, which I know at times can be inevitable.
As both a therapist and a human being that has experienced this, no case of narcissistic abuse is easy. There is so much second-guessing, fear, and guilt/shame behind all of this. It is our jobs (as therapists or loved ones) to hold space for and reassure them that it’s not them.
More on narcissistic abuse and my handy dandy checklist here.
