How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist

Disclaimer before I begin: I always express to my clients to stay away from using the word “boundary” or anything boundary-adjacent with narcissistic/antagonistic people. Boundaries will be viewed as a slight against them, causing more of a headache and wrecked nervous system for you.

Let’s get into how we can protect our peace!

Setting boundaries seems like the right thing to do when we’re faced with narcissistic or antagonistic people - we have great intentions for ourselves and want to self-advocate, but somehow it always goes poorly. We walk away from these conversations where we are saying “no”, asking questions and truth telling, still feeling confused and probably frustrated. If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary with a narcissist, you know the resistance that comes along with it.

Not everyone can go completely no contact - not everyone can leave. So.. how do we keep ourselves emotionally safe and a bit detached from these types relationships? Low contact. This means that the communication is very basic, sticking to the facts, and only essential contact will take place. How do we maintain a healthy distance and low contact? Through gray rocking, yellow rocking, and firewalling.

Gray rocking — what it looks like:

• Bare minimum responding

• Little to no emotion, trying to detach emotionally (they notice this, they will not like it and may even get agitated)

• Emotionless, flat, uninterested, not taking the bait

• If you can get past the rage/reactivity, you’re on your way AND they may get bored/leave you alone 

• Goal: leave them being disinterested

• NO SHOOTING THE SHIT OR JOKING - THIS WILL BE TAKING THE BAIT/GETTING HOOVERED BACK INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

Yellow rocking — what it looks like:

• Similar to gray rocking, however, there’s more warmth/emotion in order to maintain the peace (example: Wow, that’s such a great opportunity you got at work, you must be excited about that)

• Elevates gray rock to a little more, will include more basic manners (ex: thanks, please)

• Can have an infusion of more emotion and warmth

• Less robotic approach, but still disengagement

  • You can still expect the ramp ups/dysregulation/the anger

  • Your good manners will not be enough to keep them from yelling at you

  • Looks better publicly, will result in same problems at gray-rocking

  • This is the best approach for co-parenting

Firewalling — what it looks like:

• A way of protecting your “psychological passwords” (aka your vulnerabilities), by setting up “firewalls” (aka protection) against the manipulation, cruelty, and dysregulation

  • Monitoring what you share with these people

  • A good defense against what comes in:

    • Boundaries (internal - gray and yellow rocking)

    • Radical acceptance

    • Realistic expectations

    • Disengagement

There are just a few tips to assist you in maintaining some level of peace and emotional detachment. I hope this resonates! Take what you need and leave the rest.

More on narcissistic abuse resources here - stay tuned for more!

Sending lots of love from North Carolina to all of you,

Jay