Narcissistic Abuse: Red Flag Behavior & The Four Golden Rules
Communicating with narcissists is extremely difficult. There’s no world in which setting a boundary with them directly lands, as it’s only seen/framed as a slight against them. There are two major acronyms that come to mind when it comes to conflict with narcissistic or antagonistic people: DIMMER (or now DIMMED) AND DARVO. What exactly do these acronyms mean? And what are the four “golden rules” when it comes to navigating communication with a narcissist?
DARVO:
Deny the behavior
Attack the person confronting them, saying “no”, or not appeasing
Reverse Victim & Offender
When the narcissistic or antagonistic person reverses the roles of victim and offender, the seeds of self-doubt are planted and only continue to grow over time. The narcissist will often take on the role of the victim, leaving the victim framed or feeling like the offender.
DIMMER (or DIMMED):
Dismissiveness
Invalidation
Minimization
Manipulation
Entitlement
Rage & Reactivity
OR Discard
When victims of narcissistic abuse are communicating with the offender, these are often patterns of behavior that can be observed. One thing about narcissistic people is that they are consistent with their behaviors, however, the behaviors can be unpredictable.
THE FOUR GOLDEN RULES: Don’t go deep
Don’t Defend: “But am i not sticking up for myself?
This is not about being a doormat, but simply you internally (or externally) saying: “I’m not doing this with you”.
Don’t Engage: knowing when to engage vs not to
This is called discernment, and it’s a good thing. USE IT!
Don’t Explain: not giving away your psychological passwords
“We are more protective of things on our computer than we are with the most sacred parts of our psyche.” -Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Your vulnerabilities will be weaponized - don’t give them away.
Don’t Personalize: it isn’t you, it’s them!
You aren’t the first, and unfortunately you will not be the last.
This is all about control for them - they will use anything against anyone, including their next victim or source of narcissistic supply.
This is by no means all-encompassing, but I hope this serves as a validating place to start. To those that are currently experiencing the “whoosh”: you are not alone, it’s so overwhelming and please give yourself grace. Find more resources on narcissistic abuse in my online store & until next time: DON’T GO DEEP!!!!
Sending you love from Raleigh, North Carolina,
Jay
