Trauma Bonding: What it is, what it isn’t
In the amount of time I’ve been in working in the field of mental health, I’ve heard a lot of misconceptions, especially terms and diagnoses used/applied the wrong way or stigmatized. Something I noticed a lot was the use of the work “trauma bonding”. I feel like a lot of these buzzwords have been romanticized and/or used incorrectly - so let’s get into it!
Myth: “We hung out and just trauma bonded all day by sharing our life stories, I feel like it made us a lot closer.”
This is not a trauma bond. Trauma bonding isn’t comfy and cute, it isn’t getting together with your friends or family and spilling your guts (although sometimes, we may need that!). Trauma bonding is an extremely tumultuous, chaotic process that slowly erodes away at one’s sense of self. This is a common pattern in narcissistic and antagonistic relationships.
Trauma bonding by definition is a false sense of “connection” or love that is fostered by an alternation between moments of normal and abusive behavior. The perpetrator puts themselves in the position to be the rescuer of you, stripping you of your autonomy.
Trauma bonding happens because emotion, arousal, AND cognition are all being activated during this process. The more parts of yourself that you have being activated, the more trauma bonding is going to occur.
What this can look like:
periodic moments of maltreatment/idealization - setting up the dynamic to be both the perpetrator and the rescuer at the same time
relational - this can happen in any relationship, not just romantic
false sense of connectedness - also tied to future faking
What trauma bonding isn’t:
sharing similar traumatic experiences
“trauma dumping”
oversharing
codependency
addiction
Stockholm syndrome
I hope this blog brings some clarity to a word we hear misused so often.
I hope that my narcissistic abuse content reaches the right people. For more resources, check out my Narc Abuse Recovery Toolkit.
Sending love from Raleigh to you,
Jay
